OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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