I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
