I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
