looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
