She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
