You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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