You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
