Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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