Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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