she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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