My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
