I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
