I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
