Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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