my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
