Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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