I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
