my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
