After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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