How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
