we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
