he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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