apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
