I met the friendliest cop last night
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize