Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
