She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
