when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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