Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
