I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
