Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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