I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
