Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
