I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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