TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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