i think i have two assholes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
