I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
