you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
