I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
