She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Is it penis luge time yet?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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