P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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