OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
