Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
