i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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