Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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