New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Everyone says I win the strip club
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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