OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
