i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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