she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
