You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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