i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
