A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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