Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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