I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
nutella sex= disaster
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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