I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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