I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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