isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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