Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
