I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
